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Tuesday, May 13th, 2003
5:13 am - Its' now official...
...I've been hacked.
The total damages:
1 unusable MSN account
1 unusable Yahoo! account (until further notice - I've written to Yahoo asking for help)
1 torn-up Livejournal friends' list (fixed)
1 deleted 'interests' list (revised)
1 deleted 'mini biography' (revised)
10 erased icons (8 re-set, 2 not)
2 months worth of entries, erased (until further notice - I've written to Livejournal asking for help)

Of all the things missing, deleted or just plain unusable, the thing that hurts me the most is my entries. Those are my life written down, and I cherish them. Maybe no one else cares about them, but I do. I hope to the Gods that its' fixable...
I apologize to everyone who was hurt thinking that I had deleted them from my friends list, myself. Whoever did this...I jus--augh..

current mood: pissed off

(19 Failures | Hack the System)

2:08 am - WHAT THE FUCK
OK, a big WHAT THE FUCK to Livejournal.
All my enteries past March 6th are gone. All of my icons are gone. My MSN wont start up, claiming that I've entered the wrong password. Fucking great.

current mood: annoyed

(4 Failures | Hack the System)

Thursday, March 6th, 2003
1:36 pm - The single most disgusting thing I've ever read
Last night, I read something that, quite literally, almost made me throw up. This is an excerpt from a love-advice column in Halifaxs' local freebie 'newspaper', The Coast...

Q: I like to suck the snot out of my wife's nose when we're having sex. Is there a name for this "move"?

A: This "move" is called mucophagy, and here's the skinny on your icky fetish from Brenda Love's exhaustive and exhausting Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practice. "Consuming nasal mucosa is done as a matter of course in nasolingus. Others may engage in mucophagy because of the implied self degradation, or simply the novelty of it. Like consumption of other body secretions, mucophagy can be used to demonstrate total acceptance and love of a partner."

...

current mood: sick

(12 Failures | Hack the System)

Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
12:15 pm - School for Ness?!
Yea, I'm at school...for some...horribly unknown reason. I just decided to drop by, I suppose.
I've got a bunch of crap to update about (I'll try to summarize and condense it as best I can) so..hold ur nose, cause here goes the cold water ^_~

Monday night was the best damned night I had in a long time. I talked to Charlie from 4am to 7am and we had a really rawkin' conversation! I felt better, 'cause even if I really didn't, I felt like I made him a bit happier.

In other news...Mom was going to use her credit card and gimme a paid Livejournal account, right, except when we went to the 'paid' page and entered our information there was no place to put our province or postal-code. Yea, it didn't work. I was pissed - after all that begging and sucking up, the fucker didnt work! Blarg. Either way, I do have an announcement to make: BILLY (hayamakun) IS THE BOMB! He heard of my predicament (mainly because I was whining about it...) and gave me a paid account! SHIZZAM! Again, I thank you Billy. You are the man.

I just left the hospital awhile ago. Got some blood drawn to try and find out just what the fuck is wrong with me. It all happened like this:
I went to the hospital on my own for the first time, got completely lost, got completely found, took a number (I was number 287, and they were on 74 -_-..just my luck), sat, waited, sat, waited, etc. Finally, it was my turn. I was really fucking scared..but I went in. So I'm sittin there, shaking a little bit and the guy pulls out his needle. At this point, tears built up in my eyes and my legs cramped from being clenched for so long. As soon as I felt the peirce from the needle, I started to all-out cry.

Anyway, got kicked out of the museam for not paying (I didn't know you had to pay to learn..), lost my bear key-chain, and somehow wound up at school. Everyone seems pretty happy to see me - its' freaking me out!

current mood: cranky

(2 Failures | Hack the System)

Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
2:23 am - Shoot some blanks - or fill 'em in
Fill in the gaps. I'm a theif: I've stolen this short-ass quiz from tonik

[x] I ____ propaganda.

[x] propaganda is ____.

[x] If I were alone in a room with propaganda, I would _______.

[x] I think propaganda should _____.

[x] propaganda needs ______.

[x] I want to _________ propaganda.

current mood: curious

(14 Failures | Hack the System)

Monday, March 3rd, 2003
1:02 pm - Thugs for LIFE!
Such a good day, today! I got showered at around 8 and went out to buy a phonecard, have some lunch and just kinda...wander. And wander I did!
But..it was *gasp* sunny today! I didn't need a jacket - it was so nice...the wind warm wind whipped my sweater and hair around relentlessly and I let it, I didn't wear make-up so my skin felt really soft, I was wearing my headphones so I kinda' 'danced' as I walked and I actually sang out loud! I didn't only mouth the words (which I do, anyway) but I sang it! I have a nice voice, and today, I just didn't care who heard. It felt so nice. Stopped at the drugstore on the way home and bought a trashy romance-novel: I'm a sap for romance...I need more days like this.
Also, I got two plushie penguins in the mail today from my ex-sweet thang, kailieann ...they're so cute, and incredibly soft. I love penguins! *squee!*

No fights with mom, today - I made her Micheal Jackson CD for her (even tho she didn't deserve it) and she was happy with that. Also I helped her with somethin' today and I think she's finally comming out of her snotty attitude from yesterday. Thank the sweet, slutty Zeus above!

Ed Mcmahon forgot to bring my cheque again, today...I tell ya, those lotto people gotta get back on their toes!

current mood: energetic

(Hack the System)

1:24 am - My mother hates me.
Great, my mom's menu-fucking-pause is kicking in and she's on the rampage..This morning mom comes to me, 'Vanessa, before you go to sleep today, I want you to clean the bathroom.' (Isn't it sweet how she asks?) When I kinda' whined and told her I just cleaned the bathroom, she shot back with a bunch of bullshit, swearing and telling me I hadn't done shit-all for two weeks. I hate doing shit for her because she always forgets' that I do it and acts like I just sit around. I agree, I don't do much, but it'd be nice to get credit for what I do do.
Later, I asked her if she'd loan me five bux so that I could get a paid account on Livejournal: she said she would, but never told me when she'll actually do it. Apparently, she's 'sick of me' and she's going to make me 'suffer for' what I want. *Shrug* if my own mother can't hate me, who can, right?
I woke up at 11:30, today..'no,' I thought 'mom wouldn't let me oversleep so late - my clock must be wrong'. Well, it wasn't. I wandered downstairs and asked her why she didn't wake me up.
'I'm not your fucking alarm clock, Vanessa. You're a big girl. Get up on your own'. Wow, I had no idea that it was so hard to go upstairs and tell me to wake up. Forgive me, lord, for I have sinned. My mother hates me.
She told me that she's sick of me because I'm moody. When I told her that being moody was (what the dr. told me) part of being depressed and that I needed treatment for it, she told me to 'get the goddamned pills' or 'buck up and get over it'. I guess it's hard for a moron to understand that you can't just get over being depressed. I think my mom needs to 'get over' being a bitch.

In completely other news: My fucking nightshirt has a typo on it. A fucking typo! I wonder if this is something that I should report to Engrish.com? Its' got a large, orange, smiling cat with his arms and legs spread open on the front of it as if he's pouncing to hug you...underneath, it should say 'Gimme a hug!'....except for the fact that it says 'Qimme a hug'...^^; *smirk*

Also, I'm pissed off in a whole new way, today. I was drawing a picture to make into a Livejournal back round for drgnmstralexs' jounal, and trying to do it just perfect...but fuck, I suck. I ruined the whole goddamned picture. I'm goin to just make him a rad one with an existing pic and see if he'll let me get away with that...

current mood: bitchy

(1 Failure | Hack the System)

Sunday, March 2nd, 2003
1:09 am - A favour
Well, yea, shut up...^^ I made another LJ look. I really love messin' around..making backrounds and changing colors - its' really fun! Please do me a favour everyone and check out my new look. Any suggestions? Like it? Hate it? Like to hate it?

current mood: artistic

(2 Failures | Hack the System)

Saturday, March 1st, 2003
2:53 am - Lions and tigers and quizzes...oh, my!
Dorothy is such a homofag...^^;

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<img [...] /a>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Dorothy is such a homofag...^^;

<CENTER><img src="http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/K/Kisshu/1044426331_otakulevel5.jpg"/a>
<a href=http://quizilla.com/users/Kisshu/quizzes/What%20Stage%20of%20Anime%20Fandom%20That%20I%20Went%20Through%20Are%20You%20At%3F/>Which stage of 'Anime Fandom' are you at?</a>

<img src="http://images.quizilla.com/A/animeotaku/1045278945_ftcorecopy.jpg"/a>
<a href=http://quizilla.com/users/animeotaku/quizzes/(results%20contain%20pictures)%20Whats%20your%20HENTAI%3F%3F%3F/>What's your Hentai? (Results contain pictures)</a>


current mood: bored

(Hack the System)

Friday, February 28th, 2003
2:40 am - You told me you loved me . . .
When I lay awake in bed at night, I always talk to myself. I practise how I'm going to say things to certain people, whether its' online or face to face, almost like they're there. I cry and almost 'act'...feeling like if someone could only see me, they'd understand everything. I sometimes wish people were watching me, I wish people would follow me when I tell them to go away so I could collapse to them and tell them everything. They would understand. Bed is the worst time for me. I look to the pillow beside me and wish anyone was there - anyone. I wish I wasn't alone.

Vent.

current mood: confused

(4 Failures | Hack the System)

Thursday, February 27th, 2003
12:26 pm - You're not like me
I've been away for awhile - kinda' a mix of being exhausted to the point where I fell asleep at work and my net going on the fritz. Yea, I haven't even had it for a month, and it needed servicing. The guy just left from fixing it.

Apologies go out for the confusment on my last entry: I was going to the doctors' to get tested for diabeties...as for that day, here, read about it.
I had the dr.s' appointment booked for 2:45 on Tuesday, however, I worked on Monday night. When I got home, I was exhausted, plain and simple. So I took a small nap and asked mom to call me and wake me up around quarter after one. She didn't call until five-to-two. Panic number one.
I couldn't take the bus because after eating and getting ready, I had missed it. So, I did the responsible thing and called a cab. Bull. The fucker at the dispatcher gave out the wrong address two times. He kept insisting that I lived on Armada street..when I suggested maybe his computer was wrong, he replied 'Well, I realize that I repeated it back to you twice'.
He did nothing of the sort. Don't get snotty at me, dispatcher-fuck. Panic number two.
It was around 2:50, and still no sign of any cabs when my phone rang. It was work begging me to come in and help. Great - just what I needed - another night of no sleep. I caved and agreed. Panic number 3. When Jessie called it was about three, and still no cab. I was almost in tears, mid-panic attack (And trust me, I have some whooper panic attacks)...I don't do well under pressure.

Anyway, I got there safe and sound, despite the driver going about as fast as me to the gym...after I specifically joked 'how fast can you go, dude?'
I got there at 3:10. I sat and waited.
The verdict: I've been diagnosed as a depressant. He told me to eat better and get onto a regular sleep routine. He also wants me to go to the hospital and get blood work done. He said, tho, that most of my problems and symptoms were due to being depressed...I had no idea it could have that effect.

When mom came home, she came up to my room and sooked over me...I really like being sooked over ^_^ But she suggested that I should go to therapy. I dont want to go to therapy. I'm scared. She/he wouldn't care about what I said anyway: just listening to get my money and make me cry...I don't want to spill everything that I hide from even myself to a total stranger who doesn't care. Maybe I'll spill some of it here tonight, but I do need to vent. I know I've got a problem...I feel like I'm literally afraid of people...

********************


In total other news, I got the stuff I need to make sushi. I'm going to try making it soon. The Asian woman at the Japanese food store told me that around the 3rd or 4th try, I'll be 'an expert'! I also got the stuff needed to make rice-balls. I made some today and ate 'em up. They were not only fun to make, but they were really good, too (very sticky...I have to learn how to eat 'em without them falling apart) - I'm pretty proud of that. ^^

current mood: stressed

(2 Failures | Hack the System)

Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
11:24 am - That's me in the corner
I've got a doctors' appointment scheduled for Wensday...I'll have to go after work. My mom told me on the phone after I asked her why she sounded so weird that she's afraid that I'm going to die. Just the thing I needed to hear. I know I'm not going to over diabetes, but just the fact that she said it at all makes me uneasy. Well, I'll get every test I can get...I'll find out what's wrong with me.

I've applied for a new job at a call center - its' during the day. Its' monday to friday, 9am-4pm, seven bucks an hour. I never thought I'd be so happy about the chance at working days. Nights are hard on me. Please..everyone, wish for me to get this job. I need it.

current mood: stressed

(6 Failures | Hack the System)

Monday, February 24th, 2003
11:34 am - I gotta live and make it, somehow
I had the weirdest night, last night...I had two decision-changing conversations. From those two conversations, I've learned three main rules which I shall now apply to my everyday life:

Rule #1: Never, ever start talking about cruelty to animals with creepy bread-delivery men, especially when you're all alone with him in a storage room. Our conversation went as follows...
Me = (M), Creepy bread-delivery man = (CBDM)
(M) Its' sad, four more birds got in, today.
(CBDM) Yea...
(M) You know they shoot them, right?
(CBDM) Well, that's a sin - they should try and catch 'em in a net!
(M) I agree. They should try that first...
**2 minutes pass of silence**
(CBDM) So, what does your boyfriend think of the bird situation?
(M) What? I don't have a boyfriend..
(CBDM) Oh...got a husband?
(M) Uh..no?
(CBDM) I'm not married, either...*stare*

Yea, soon after this conversation, I fled the scene being so uncomfortable that I never went back to that room again all night.

Rule #2: Don't ever ask an old lady who is toating a lot of bags if she would like some help. I know, this sounds weird...but..here is the conversation that we had...
me = (M), Weird old lady = (WOL)
(M) Can I help you with anything, ma'am?
(WOL) Oh, no...that's okay. I've been out since 6:30am!
(M) *walking away* Oh? Well you should go home and get some sleep! ^_^
(WOL) Yea, last night my son was beating me until 10 o'clock, and so I ignored his calls and even when he tried to buzz into the apartment, I just let the answering machine get it. I left early so that I didn't have to deal with it again, today. (and she said this CALMLY)
(M) Uh...you should probably call someone about that...
(WOL) I would, but he's just a boy, after all.
(M) *under breath* Lady, you look about 80 years old - I doubt he's anything of a 'boy' anymore.

*******************************

...Oooohhh-kay. Weird fucking day. I don't think I'll be talking to anymore strangers on my way to and from work, as well as at work. I was so freaking uncomfortable all day - just another reason why people freak me out.

current mood: cold

(6 Failures | Hack the System)

Sunday, February 23rd, 2003
7:00 am - Maybe I'm just gettin' old
This is an exact copy of the post that I left on Healthboards.com...

I'm new here, and I don't really know the procedure as to where to post questions, so: here's as good a place as any.
For about 2 or 3 months now (maybe even a longer) I've felt pretty tired for no real reason. When I'd stayed up late the night before, I'd always chalk it up to that...but, for instance, today I slept for 16 hours and as I sit here and type this, I'm still yawning. I still feel psyically exhausted. This isn't the first time this has happened - no matter how much sleep I get, I always feel tired. I have a hard time concentrating on things for a long time, my job just feels not worth doing, I've lost my zest. My get up and go just got up and went, as it were, and I'm only 18!
My job requires me to lift heavy boxes and I'm bending to get things all night - when I stand up (from bending over), most of the time I get a bit of a head-ache feeling. I'm constantly getting sore joints for no real reason - they just start hurting. Sometimes, I'll just be sitting in a chair and my hip joint will hurt quite badly and then go away as if it never came. I'm cold almost all the time - nothing I do warms me up, unless I crank the heat and that's not good for my heating bill! I have other symptoms, but I'm not sure they have anything to do with anything so I'm just posting those.
Does anyone have any idea what might be wrong with me? Sometimes I overreact and the smallest problem makes me think I'm dieing or something, so...this may be nothing! But I had to ask.. :)

current mood: tired

(4 Failures | Hack the System)

Saturday, February 22nd, 2003
9:50 am - The end of the innocence
I remember around this time of year when I was like, 9, the snow would stop falling and everything started turning to slush. It was always around this time of year that I'd start asking my mom if I could wear my sneakers instead of my snowboots. She always said no. I hated wearing those boots...they made cool, hollow noises when you drug your heals against the pavement, but other than that, they were just big and clunky and...bright purple. Besides, they had this white (almost permenently dyed yellow by the end of winter from getting dirty) 'fur' trim that would irritate my legs. But I loved wearing my sneakers for the first time in a new year...I don't know why, but they felt different. The soles rubbed the road differently - almost like new sneakers, I really liked the noise it made when you crunched snow under the toe of sneakers, and they just made me feel like summer was closer, I guess. Before mom would let me, I'd always wake up really early in the morning, put on my sneakers and go outside to play. I'd always wind up home before they woke up, and mom never knew a thing.

current mood: nostalgic

(2 Failures | Hack the System)

Friday, February 21st, 2003
6:23 pm - HOW MANY PEOPLE WANNA KICK SOME ASS?!
I'm so fucking sick of people. I'm so fucking sick of society. Maybe I'm fucking stupid, but when you don't know me, don't pretend to. To all the worthless little fucks hanging out on Palace masterbating to naked pictures of Skits, go to fucking hell and die. Everyone on that worthless creation who calls me a whore can suck my dick. YES, SUCK MY DICK. And people wonder why I can't trust anyone.
I'm so tired of people passing judgement before they know what the fuck is going on. I'm so fucking sick of little girls and their sidekicks shouting at me bullshit that they don't even understand. I'm sick of people roping other people along and it winding up somehow as my fucking fault. I'm fucking sick. I'm fucking done being the patsy.

Everyone who met me in that peice of SHIT Palace, if you want to stay on my friends list, AIM list or ICQ list, if you're my TRUE friend... leave me a diddy. If you're a fake friend who talks shit about me, don't say shit, for I am DONE with you.

current mood: pissed off

(9 Failures | Hack the System)

Thursday, February 20th, 2003
7:29 am - Shake your ancient booty...its' your sexy senior dutyyy..
I just woke up after a sixteen hour sleep...yea, I guess I was pretty tired. I don't know why I'm always so tired - hell, I get more than enough sleep, but I'm always exhausted. Anywayz..

At work last night, i had a little conversation with Murry, it went something like this (M = murry):
M: Were you at the mall today?
Me: Uh...no? I was home all day..
M: Pigs' ass you weren't.
Me: *laughing my fucking ass off* What?!
M: I saw you and your friend there..
Me: I was there on Monday..but you asked me if I was there today..
M: No, I said yesterday, damnit!

LOL, I think Murry's loosin' his mind. Must be the getting old thing. I just love how he told me 'pigs ass' I wasn't..^^; I was laughing about that one all night.

I've been trying a lot of new things, lately, including (with the help of a Palace friend) some 'real' punk music and Emo. Result of which: I'm now in love with an Emo band called Taking Back Sunday. They're pretty good. I've also started playing Megaman (yes, for the first time - shut up) on my NES emulator...its' pretty fun, I really like it, altho I suck the phat-ass at playing it just now. I'll get better...

Haven't eaten in 22 hours - think I'll fix that

current mood: tired

(2 Failures | Hack the System)

Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
7:17 am - Set your phasers on 'fun'!
Today was an awesome freakin' day: too bad no one will read this entry and learn of its' hijinks. Anyway...
Got showered and ready and high-tailed it to Halifax Shopping Center to par-tay with Jess. Man, I love hangin' out with her. We went to RadioShack and tested all their fun stuff...she played a sk8 boarding game...I played some game where you gotta drive an 18-wheeler thro town...and then I played with a toy truck. Stellar.

I finally got my gamepad, so I'm happy - Oh yea, Donkey Kong Country 2, who's kicking your ass now?! I am the monkey-reaper. Anyone who wants a shitty old joystick, let me know. *glares at it*

Jess had another run-in with the evil bitch of the CD store - she went in to write down some CD titles that she might want for her birthday, and the ladies like 'excuse me, you can't write down stuff in here'. Pft...what a stupid bitch. It took all of Jessies' reasoning for me not to go in there and rip her a new ass. I'm kinda protective of my friends. Speaking of which, you know those weird 'best friend' things you can get for two people where each has one and they go together? I finally got one of those for me and Jess! I've never had one of those with someone, before. I = happy. ^^

current mood: happy

(2 Failures | Hack the System)

Monday, February 17th, 2003
3:49 am - The annoying, white puppy
Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I have two dogs, Silky and Spike, and one (really cranky) cat, Batsu. For as long as I've had these three, Batsus' been my baby, Spikes the 'old man', and Silky's the annoying puppy who I never really cared for.
I mean, sure, I'll play with her and pet her and try to get along, but in the end, she'll do something annoying and I'll just...sorta loath her again.

Either way, the point of this entery...
For the past week, Silkys' been taking to peeing and pooping in the house instead of outside. Its' really pissing my dad off. I knew that it was getting bad, and I knew dad was getting upset about it, but I didn't realize how upset he was until today.
I went to to bring Silky upstairs to my room while I cleaned (as I always do, she keeps me company) when mom told me to take her outside, first. I did, and she told me that I had to do it often, because if Silky messes in the house once more, she's going to be put down.

I don't really know what to do. She doesn't mean to, and I know it, but I don't know what else to chalk it up to. I think she was abused when she was a puppy (we got her in the pound)...there are so many signs. My parents don't believe me because I'm just a 'stupid kid', right, who doesn't know anything about those issues. I just feel like there are other options besides putting her to sleep. I never thought I'd be scared to loose the annoying white puppy...

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<img [...] /a>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I have two dogs, Silky and Spike, and one (really cranky) cat, Batsu. For as long as I've had these three, Batsus' been my baby, Spikes the 'old man', and Silky's the annoying puppy who I never really cared for.
I mean, sure, I'll play with her and pet her and <i>try</i> to get along, but in the end, she'll do something annoying and I'll just...sorta loath her again.

Either way, the point of this entery...
For the past week, Silkys' been taking to peeing and pooping <i>in</i> the house instead of outside. Its' really pissing my dad off. I knew that it was getting bad, and I knew dad was getting upset about it, but I didn't realize <i>how</i> upset he was until today.
I went to to bring Silky upstairs to my room while I cleaned (as I always do, she keeps me company) when mom told me to take her outside, first. I did, and she told me that I had to do it often, because if Silky messes in the house once more, she's going to be put down.

I don't really know what to do. She doesn't mean to, and I know it, but I don't know what else to chalk it up to. I think she was abused when she was a puppy (we got her in the pound)...there are so many signs. My parents don't believe me because I'm just a 'stupid kid', right, who doesn't know anything about those issues. I just feel like there are other options besides putting her to sleep. I never thought I'd be scared to loose the annoying white puppy...

<center><img src="http://www.geocities.com/propaganda453/Im000323.jpg.txt"/a></center>


current mood: sad

(1 Failure | Hack the System)

Saturday, February 15th, 2003
12:02 pm - A day for new outlooks and new friends
Yea...I'm fucking bored, so sue me.
Made a new look for my Livejournal, including the backround that I've been wanting for awhile and just got around to making. I think it was inspired by my new icon of the incrediably sexy cosplayer Yaya... doesn't it wreak of awesome-ness? Lemme know ^_~

Also, while I was searchin' Livejournal for a user with a backround so I could use it as a size-template, I came across one old friend and a totally new one! Shouts to curies and bluetear...they rawk.

current mood: geeky

(3 Failures | Hack the System)

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